Submission in Marriage . . . A Painful Situation?

. . . if you identify at all with the stuggle women have over this issue (and who of us doesn't?), then "Yes," it can be a painful situation. But. . .

. . . we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

~Romans 8:28

The word submit is surely one of the most difficult, disliked, and divisive words in the Bible. Easily cataloged among both the tender and agonizing situations in many women's lives.

Biblical Submission -- unless you are one of those well-heeled women who have never grappled with its dichotomy in our post-modern world -- is just another of those initially bad or painful situations that God always works together for good.

When I married Mark, I knew that there were many things in my life that would definitely have to change. I had been single for nearly forty years, was quite independent, very self-sufficient and perhaps a bit small-minded. I learned almost immediately that Mark was the head of our home, and I needed to submit to his authority.

Here’s how some of our first arguments went:

Mark: “You just need to submit to my authority and there will be no problem.”

Esthermay: “And you just need to love me as Christ loves the Church and I will!”

Ever had that conversation?

Three months into my idyllic and blissful (yea, right) state of "Happily Married," I was (#1) understanding why I'd waited four decades to say "I do!" And (#2) asking myself, "Who is this (gentle)man to whom I had eternally pledged my love and honor?"

See, we both understood what Scripture said. Problem was, (and I’ll speak for myself) I hadn’t yet learned that submission is a doctrine that you apply to yourself. Not your spouse.

Notice in Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul does not say, “Husbands, tell you wife to submit” – or, “Wives, tell you husband to step up and be the spiritual head of the home.” Instead, he speaks to each person individually about his or her own attitude.

Submission is obviously something that Paul believes every Christian can and should do because he illustrates submission with examples:

● wives and husbands

● children and parents

● slaves and masters

In each example, one person has more power, and one person has far less power. In Paul’s day, a wife had no legal rights. Men had all the power, all the financial advantages and virtually all the education. Pagan philosophy was still guiding the culture and women were thought of as damaged, inferior forms of men. With an imbalance of power like that, husbands could easily control their wives, using them to make their lives easier. And wives could easily resist, rebel, and make their husbands’ lives miserable.

God’s solution: Submission. Submission means that we willingly limit what we might naturally do in our relationships in order to benefit the other person. Out of reverence for Christ, we use our position in the relationship to serve the other person.

And when Paul says “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” the Greek word for submit is not a command. The command is back in verse 18: “…be filled with the Spirit.”

Submitting is just a natural expression of that.

Now, here’s where we need to go back to the very beginning to learn God’s plan and watch things unfold and understand why the next verse says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

When God walked through the garden and found Adam and Eve hiding, shivering in the nakedness of their sin, He told Eve, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” (Genesis 3:16)

There are different interpretations of the first half of this verse, but it’s the last half that is of consequence. I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t like the verse! Some days, I hate that verse.

But it’s God’s Word. God has established a chain of command. Things may have been different if sin hadn’t entered the garden, but it did and now there is a definite order of authority in the universe.

I Corinthians 11:3 spells it out, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” There is no shame or dishonor for a woman to be under authority. The Lord Jesus submitted to the authority of the Father and we can be sure that God thinks no less of us because we are women.

We have His promise in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

For my husband to be what God wants him to be, it is extremely important that I, as his wife, do my best to fulfill my purpose and role. Including submission.

It may seem old fashion and impossible to live out in today’s world. But submission is absolutely Scriptural; and if we called according to His Purpose -- and are willing to do what God shows us through His Word -- He will cause it to work together for us.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*

Today --six years into the bliss -- the Knight in Shining Armor of Small-Farm-Town-Minnesota and Moi are much closer to the "Happily Married" part. I only wish I'd found him when I was 20!

~ Esthermay Bentley-Goossen
© Copyright 2008 The Heart of a Pastor's Wife

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Submission in Marriage - Part 4: "New Testament, New Covenant, New Rules"

Have you looked through any old magazines lately? (Like any of us even have time to flip through an October 2006 magazine!!) I’m talking about the kind of magazines you see in antique stores and rummage sales and old bookstores, or the kind for whatever reason you have hanging around in a closet or the attic? Have you noticed how women used to be portrayed? …A mother rocking a baby, a woman in an apron preparing dinner, a woman reading a storybook to her children. You might even see a woman doing laundry or working in the dirt of her vegetable garden or sewing clothes. Sound a little like a Proverbs 31 Woman? Or does is just sound foreign? If you do find time to look at that 2006 magazine, this is not the kind of woman you’ll see. That’s because the Proverbs 31 Woman is not the kind of woman that is applauded by our 2006 culture. That’s sad.

By the way, the Book of Proverbs describes other women too. There’s a description of an adulteress who “flatters with her lips.” There’s described a woman who walks out on her husband and destroys the marriage. There’s the adulteress whose “lips drip honey” and there’s the smooth-tongued woman who hunts for a man only to destroy him. We’ve also got the noisy woman, the foolish woman, the rebellious woman, the quarrelsome woman and a few other assorted kinds. Incidentally, this whole section on women in Proverbs is an instruction manual from a Jewish mother to her son on how to find a wife! It’s only when we reach Chapter 31, do we come across the excellent woman.

With that in mind, let’s go back to Ephesians 5:22. We’ve been stuck on this matter of submission (“Wives, be subject to you own husband…”) for some time now. Somehow, all these examples of women in the Book of Proverbs must have a part in the whole submission thing. If you’ve been keeping up, you know that this whole doctrine of submission started with an Apple! It has been said that the longest war ever raged in the history of civilization is the war that goes on between husbands and wives. And it sounds like some of those women in Proverbs had the war down to a science. It started in the Garden of Eden with that Apple and it continues today. We will never eliminate male oppression of women and we will never eliminate female rebellion towards men. Therefore, we’ll never eliminate conflict in marriage. Now, the question comes: Is the answer really as simple as Biblical Submission? Let’s find out. In Ephesians 5:18 there is a really important principle: “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.” If you’re a “child of the 60’s,” you’ll remember the whole notion that if you wanted a transcendental religious experience, you needed to become drunk or high, and that catapulted you into some euphoria that connected you with deities. I admit, I’m not into current “spiritual” fads, but I’m certain there is something equivalent out there today. But the Apostle Paul is saying something quite different here. He says get filled with the Spirit of God. The Greek language here paints a picture of being “controlled.” It’s not a mystical experience. It simply means to “be controlled by.” If someone is filled with anger, they are controlled by anger. If someone is filled with depression and sadness, they are controlled by depression and sadness. If we’re filled with God’s Spirit, we are controlled by Him!

Any Oprah fans out there? (Confession: I used to listen to her on the radio while driving home from work.) A few years back she went on this “Attitude of Gratitude” campaign – encouraging people to keep journals of thankfulness and “spiritual” insight. It was an incredible idea, but not based on true gratitude towards God our Creator. If we are controlled by God’s Spirit and filled with gratitude for Jesus Christ and all that He has done for us, we absolutely have the possibility of reversing that ancient Old Testament curse that stems from that Apple!

No big theology lesson here… but once again, Christ has diminished the power of sin! The New Testament is all about the New Covenant and God’s Grace and the power available to us through His Holy Spirit. As women, we are no longer bound by the crazy and bizarre laws of the Old Testament. Want to read about some of those bizarre rules imposed by oppressive men? See Exodus 21:7-11,22; Leviticus 12; Leviticus 15:19-33; Leviticus 20: 10-21, and Deuteronomy 22:5, 13-30. I think you’ll agree that being controlled by God’s Spirit is a lot less bizarre.

As wives, submission should come easy if we are filled with the Spirit. (I’m not saying it is easy or that I am living up to my own words by walking in the Spirit every moment of my marriage with Mark. Ask him!!) But when we are filled with God’s Spirit, filled with worship, filled with thanks, filled with reverence for Christ, it naturally follows that we are going to be subject to our husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). It’s our duty. And the Proverbs 31 ideal is something we will aspire toward. I’ve heard some women say they yearn to be that excellent woman of Proverbs 31. Remember: Ephesians 5 does not tell us that we are to obey our husbands. That’s reserved for children and servants in Chapter 6. The husband-wife relationship is different. It’s not a commanding and obeying motif. It’s an intimate, inward kind of thing. And that’s why it says, “…be subject to your own husbands.” There’s intimacy there and a desire for excellence. -

-- Esthermay Bentley-Goossen

(This article originally appeared in Windows - The monthly church-news & ministry newsletter of Crane Community Chapel.)

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Submission in Marriage - Part 3: "Genesis 3:16...Does the Punishment Fit The Crime?"

"I will greatly increase your

pain in childbearing; in

pain you shall bring forth

children, yet your desire shall

be for your husband, and he

shall rule over you."

-Genesis 3:16

It's almost proverbial to say men don’t understand women. Even their own wives! When Mark and I were married, our vows included a few lines about Mark’s seeking to understand me. Pastor Larson chuckled as he said it. Mark grinned and there was quiet laughter amongst our guests. (This should have been an indication to me then!)

Throughout history, frankly, it’s true. Men do not understand women and women have been degraded. Men have used and abused women, treated them unkindly, unfaithfully, indifferently; have demonstrated little compassion, little sympathy; expecting much and giving back very little in the area of compassion, kindness, tenderness and sympathy. It was true even in Jewish society. Pharisees used to get up every morning and pray, “I thank God that I am not a Gentile or a woman.”

What happened? Last month we flashed-backed to paradise where men and women were created equally in God’s Image. We understood that as a “helper” a woman was in no way created as a secondary being -- since the word “helper” itself refers overwhelmingly in the Old Testament to God Himself! Again, what happened? Obviously there was trouble in paradise. Remember, it’s what happens in those first few scenes that is so terribly important to the rest of the story. So let’s revisit the Garden of Eden to know where things went so dreadfully wrong.

No matter how you read it, what version you read it from, or how you interpret it, Eve took the lead in sin. She acted independently when she ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. She disregarded God’s authority and acted on her own behalf. And by taking control, she basically lost it permanently. She sought the delight of the forbidden fruit and lost all delight forever. She wanted to take control and instead lost it for good. And that’s not my interpretation. This is what’s being expressed in the last words of Genesis 3:16 where she receives punishment: “…your desire shall be for your husband.” Some have suggested that this means sexual desire. Well, that’s certainly not punishment. That kind of desire is something God gave before sin entered the picture. God was not cursing Eve by having her desire a physical relationship with her husband. She had always desired that in a perfectly loving way. It means something else. The Hebrew word “desire” as used here is teshuquh {tesh-oo-kaw’}. The only other occurrence of this word within the first five Books of the Bible is in Genesis 4:7. God is speaking to Cain here. He says, “…sin’s desire is for you.” What does that mean? It means sin wants to control you. Sin wants to dominate and overtake your life. But God also told Cain, “…you must rule over it.” It’s the very same expression. The woman desires to control the man and he rules over her. And the husband has the same need to control his wife that Cain had to control sin. I heard once that the imagery here is of a beast waiting to attack. And we know that Cain killed his brother Abel. So sadly, the word “desire” means something quite negative, something that reflects separation and alienation. It’s such an interesting word in its original Hebrew and its use is so specific in Scripture. Its root literally means “to seek control.” Genesis 3:16 could actually read, “…you shall seek control over your husband. You will desire to exert your will, but he shall rule over you.”

There is no reason at this point for men to be puffed up because they rule over women. All people and all the earth are under the curse of sin. Don’t forget: Genesis offers specific verses outlining Adam’s punishment too. The beauty (if that’s the right word) of God’s curse on humankind is that He touched and affected each sex differently and uniquely by limiting our ability to fulfill the role of “His Image.” Does that make sense? See, when God created woman in His Image, he uniquely designed her toward relationships. This includes her husband, her children, her friends, her co-workers etc... Women are social! (Duh!) But because of sin, God took away the complete realization of that. The basic problems faced by women throughout history have been pain in childbearing and relationships under the rule of men. And (TaDa!!) that’s precisely what God said in Genesis 3:16! Loneliness and emptiness in relationships are a woman’s lot in life. That last sentence has huge implications. Think about it. Depression and eating disorders are reflections of emptiness. Women outnumber men when it comes to suffering depression almost 4 to 1! Eating disorders are overwhelmingly a women’s malady. The ratio here is 15 to 1!

We will never know what it would have been like had Eve not eaten that apple. She took the lead. She convinced Adam to do it too. She usurped authority and took the place of leadership. And Adam (knowing full well that he was wrong) submitted to Eve and also usurped God’s authority! Did one of them sin greater? Probably not – they were both punished. Bottomline: Sin hits marriage really hard. It hits hard because both husbands and wives are sinners! The wife, because of her special curse, desires control. The husband, because of his special curse, seeks to crush and overpower her. And there’s the conflict. Is the answer really as simple as Biblical Submission? Next month: "New Testament – New Covenant – New Rules."

-- Esthermay Bentley-Goossen

(This article originally appeared in Windows - The monthly church-news & ministry newsletter of Crane Community Chapel.)

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Submission in Marriage: Part 2 - "A Purpose in Life"

Wives, be subject to your own husbands,

as to the Lord. For the husband is

the head of the wife, as Christ

is the head of the Church...

Ephesians 5:22

If you read novels or watch movies you know what is meant by “flashbacks.” They’re used by novelists and screenwriters who start us somewhere in the middle of a story, then pick up earlier parts of it by “flashing back” to things that occurred before the events of the opening page or scene. What happens in those first few pages or movie scenes is terribly important to the rest of the story, but might easily be missed or underrated if the story sequence was left in its usual order. Telling or portraying these significant events right away catches our attention.

Well, I feel much like a screenwriter having taken on the issue of Submission in Marriage. If any passage of Scripture raises the ire of women today, it is the Apostle Paul’s words in Ephesians 5:22. But it’s terribly important to the rest of the story! That’s why we’ve started there. And it really is the whole biblical drama leading up to this passage that makes it such an obviously logical command.

In June we looked at Ephesians 5 in light of the First Century culture in which Paul lived. And to further appreciate the passage, we stepped back in time to the Garden of Eden where sin entered the stage. But let’s “flash back” even further now to Creation: “So God created man in his own image… male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27) We’re told throughout Scripture that we are created in God’s own image (see also Genesis 5:1, 9:6, and James 3:9), but it seems a puzzling phrase, since nowhere does the Bible give us an exact list of the characteristics that make us like God. People differ as to what it is that makes us an “image of God,” but a big part of our “imaging” God lies in our social nature, and how we interact with others and find purpose in life. But as far as imaging God, male female are identical! As for equality between the sexes? There ya’ have it!!

But the story does not end there. Midway through Chapter 2, …the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Genesis 2:18) Here’s the eye-opening part:

The Hebrew word for “helper” as used in Genesis 2 is ‘âzar and it means to surround, i.e. protect or aid. This exact same word is used overwhelmingly in the Old Testament when referring to the person of God! It is the word we use when we speak of God as “our help and deliverer” (Psalm 70:5), or affirm that our “help comes from the Lord” (Psalm 121:2). Yet we would never dream of suggesting that in referring to God as “our help” we are making him secondary and inferior to ourselves. Quite the contrary! Women were not created as secondary, less-important beings. As helpers, woman truly were created in the image of God !!

So what did God have in mind when He moved the Apostle Paul to pen the words of Ephesians 5? Was it a
mistake? Was Paul merely writing out of a background of patriarchal culture? Many people today (including many evangelical Christians) believe submission is a terrible doctrine practiced only by men on power trips to feed their egos and uneducated woman who simply don’t know any better. How wrong they are!

To begin with there is much biblical drama between Creation and Paul’s time in prison when the words of Ephesians were written. (Look for a “flash back” next month.) But for now, we need to understand that God is Sovereign and Paul’s words really are a part of the bigger picture that God had in mind from the beginning when He “created them male and female” and “saw that it was very good" (Genesis 1:27, 31).

“Being subject to” is the Greek word hupotasso. This word is comprised of two words – hupo (“to be under”) and tasso (“to draw up in order, to arrange, to designate”). Hupotasso is a military term and it means to be “ranked under.” For example, in the Army the General is ranked over the Captain, the Captain over the Lieutenant, the Lieutenant over the Sergeant, etc. Thus the wife is ranked under her husband regarding authority in the home and in their marriage. God has sovereignly ordained authority in the home so there would not be chaos but harmony.

Men and women are equally valuable to and equally loved by God (Galatians 3:28) but we each have a different purpose in life. God created the woman as a helper, but He also expects her to obey her husband because marriage is meant to mirror the holy, sweet relationship of Christ and His Bride, the Church. Just as Jesus Christ has a separate role apart and different from the Church, men and women have differing roles within the church and the home -- roles that "complement" and "complete" each other into a unified whole. What God created in the beginning and then reaffirmed through the ages as Scripture was being written has not changed today even though our culture would have us think such.

Let me leave you with an analogy. My twenty-two month old does not understand the purpose of his diaper – nor does he appreciate my interrupting his play to change it. He’d prefer to parade around naked. But one of the rules in our house is that you must wear a diaper unless and until you’re potty-trained. If we were to leave Shepard run around without a diaper – we’d have a smelly mess to say the least. Shepard just doesn’t get it! But Mark and I do. We are sovereign on the diaper issue. In precisely the same way, God is sovereign on the submission issue. He has set rules for us that we don’t like or fully understand….And what a world of mess when the rules are broken or bent or misinterpreted. Next month: Genesis 3:16 – Does the Punishment Fit the Crime?

- Esthermay Bentley-Goossen

(This article originally appeared in Windows -The montly church-news & ministry newsletter of Crane Community Chapel.)

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Submission in Marriage - Part One: "In the Beginning"

The word “submit” is surely one of the most difficult,

disliked, and divisive words in the Bible.

This is the first of a series of articles on Submission in Marriage.

When I married Mark, I knew that there were many things in my life that would definitely have to change. I had been single for nearly forty years, was quite independent, very self-sufficient and perhaps a bit small-minded. I learned almost immediately that Mark was the head of our home, and I needed to submit to his authority. Here’s how some of our first arguments went: (Mark) “You just need to submit to my authority and there will be no problem.” (Esthermay) “And you just need to love me as Christ loves the Church and I will!”

Ever had that conversation? See, we both understood what Scripture said. Problem was, (and I’ll speak for myself) I hadn’t yet learned that submission is a doctrine that you apply to yourself. Not your spouse. Notice in Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul does not say, “Husbands, tell you wife to submit” – or, “Wives, tell you husband to step up and be the spiritual head of the home.” Instead, he speaks to each person individually about his or her own attitude.

Submission is obviously something that Paul believes every Christian can and should do because he illustrates submission with examples: wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters. In each example, one person has more power, and one person has far less power. In Paul’s day, a wife had no legal rights. Men had all the power, all the financial advantages and virtually all the education. Pagan philosophy was still guiding the culture and women were thought of as damaged, inferior forms of men. With an imbalance of power like that, husbands could easily control their wives, using them to make their lives easier. And wives could easily resist, rebel, and make their husbands’ lives miserable.

God’s solution: Submission. Submission means that we willingly limit what we might naturally do in our relationships in order to benefit the other person. Out of reverence for Christ, we use our position in the relationship to serve the other person. And when Paul says “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” the Greek word for submit is not a command. The command is back in verse 18: “…be filled with the Spirit.” Submitting is just a natural expression of that.

Now, here’s where we need to go back to the very beginning to learn God’s plan and watch things unfold and understand why the next verse says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

When God walked through the garden and found Adam and Eve hiding, shivering in the nakedness of their sin, He told Eve, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” (Genesis 3:16) There are different interpretations of the first half of this verse, but it’s the last half that is of consequence. I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t like the verse! Some days, I hate that verse. But it’s God’s way. God has established a chain of command. Things may have been different if sin hadn’t entered the garden, but it did and now there is a definite order of authority in the universe. I Corinthians 11:3 spells it out, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” There is no shame or dishonor for a woman to be under authority. The Lord Jesus submitted to the authority of the Father and we can be sure that God thinks no less of us because we are women. We have His promise in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

For my husband to be what God wants him to be, it is extremely important that I, as his wife, do my best to fulfill my purpose and role. Including submission. It may seem old fashion and impossible to live out in today’s world. But submission is Scriptural and if we are willing to do what God shows us through Scripture, He can also make it possible for us to do it. Are you willing? I am. Next issue: A Purpose in Life…

- Esthermay Bentley-Goossen

(This article originally appeared in Windows - The monthly church-news & ministry newsletter of Crane Community Chapel.)

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