Apologetics: ə-pŏl'ə-jĕt'ĭks from the Greek απоλоγία Def: The branch of theology that is concerned with defending or proving the truth of Christian doctrines.

Submission in Marriage . . . A Painful Situation?

Written By Esthermay Bentley-Goossen on 04 October 2008

. . . if you identify at all with the stuggle women have over this issue (and who of us doesn't?), then "Yes," it can be a painful situation. But. . .

. . . we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
~Romans 8:28

The word submit is surely one of the most difficult, disliked, and divisive words in the Bible. Easily cataloged among both the tender and agonizing situations in many women's lives.

Biblical Submission -- unless you are one of those well-heeled women who have never grappled with its dichotomy in our post-modern world -- is just another of those initially bad or painful situations that God always works together for good.

When I married Mark, I knew that there were many things in my life that would definitely have to change. I had been single for nearly forty years, was quite independent, very self-sufficient and perhaps a bit small-minded. I learned almost immediately that Mark was the head of our home, and I needed to submit to his authority.

Here’s how some of our first arguments went:

Mark: “You just need to submit to my authority and there will be no problem.”

Esthermay: “And you just need to love me as Christ loves the Church and I will!”

Ever had that conversation?

Three months into my idyllic and blissful (yea, right) state of "Happily Married," I was (#1) understanding why I'd waited four decades to say "I do!" And (#2) asking myself, "Who is this (gentle)man to whom I had eternally pledged my love and honor?"

See, we both understood what Scripture said. Problem was, (and I’ll speak for myself) I hadn’t yet learned that submission is a doctrine that you apply to yourself. Not your spouse.

Notice in Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul does not say, “Husbands, tell you wife to submit” – or, “Wives, tell you husband to step up and be the spiritual head of the home.” Instead, he speaks to each person individually about his or her own attitude.

Submission is obviously something that Paul believes every Christian can and should do because he illustrates submission with examples:

● wives and husbands
● children and parents
● slaves and masters

In each example, one person has more power, and one person has far less power. In Paul’s day, a wife had no legal rights. Men had all the power, all the financial advantages and virtually all the education. Pagan philosophy was still guiding the culture and women were thought of as damaged, inferior forms of men. With an imbalance of power like that, husbands could easily control their wives, using them to make their lives easier. And wives could easily resist, rebel, and make their husbands’ lives miserable.

God’s solution: Submission. Submission means that we willingly limit what we might naturally do in our relationships in order to benefit the other person. Out of reverence for Christ, we use our position in the relationship to serve the other person.

And when Paul says “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” the Greek word for submit is not a command. The command is back in verse 18: “…be filled with the Spirit.”

Submitting is just a natural expression of that.

Now, here’s where we need to go back to the very beginning to learn God’s plan and watch things unfold and understand why the next verse says, “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

When God walked through the garden and found Adam and Eve hiding, shivering in the nakedness of their sin, He told Eve, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” (Genesis 3:16)

There are different interpretations of the first half of this verse, but it’s the last half that is of consequence. I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t like the verse! Some days, I hate that verse.

But it’s God’s Word. God has established a chain of command. Things may have been different if sin hadn’t entered the garden, but it did and now there is a definite order of authority in the universe.

I Corinthians 11:3 spells it out, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” There is no shame or dishonor for a woman to be under authority. The Lord Jesus submitted to the authority of the Father and we can be sure that God thinks no less of us because we are women.

We have His promise in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

For my husband to be what God wants him to be, it is extremely important that I, as his wife, do my best to fulfill my purpose and role. Including submission.

It may seem old fashion and impossible to live out in today’s world. But submission is absolutely Scriptural; and if we called according to His Purpose -- and are willing to do what God shows us through His Word -- He will cause it to work together for us.


Today --six years into the bliss -- the Knight in Shining Armor of Small-Farm-Town-Minnesota and Moi are much closer to the "Happily Married" part. I only wish I'd found him when I was 20!

~ Esthermay Bentley-Goossen
© Copyright 2008 The Heart of a Pastor's Wife


Denise said...

Well said, bless you and your husband.

Cristine said...

Neat post... Submission is a tough subject, but I think you treated it well. :)


Barbara said...

I LOVE the "Election Thoughts" I vote for the five-year-old. Is she running?

This is an excellent piece on submission. Great work.

Katie Kermeen Swisher said...

Thanks for this post. Great thoughts here! I love that you pointed out that submitting to our husbands is merely a natural part of being filled with the spirit. I never thought of it that way before!

Kris said...

this one was, is, a hard one for me. i am as strong willed and stubborn as they come. i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and i have a track record of making some pretty good decisions...i do, however, know that God's word does speak clearly on the subject and i have chosen to submit to God and my husband. that being said, i have a wonderful man (almost 14 yrs)that knows all of the qualities listed above are in me. he wants me to be me and we work as a team. he knows my strengths and lets me lead in those areas. he trust my radar and listens to my thoughts and warnings. if both the man and wife are in tune to God's will in this matter, it is a perfect fit. like they say, you can't have all chiefs, someone has got to be the indian...and God knew that too...


Pasadena Closet Conservative said...

Sure, it may seem old-fashioned to some, but I find it truly admirable.

sailorcross said...

Submission is a difficult yet important part of a marriage relationship.

I look at submission this way: If the husband and wife are both submitted to God, God the head of their marriage--always first in every consideration, as He should be--there will still be clashing of our "personal" wills. But, if the Will of God is prevailing in this marriage (or in any relationship, for that matter), then we will submit to one another--seeking to do God's will and not our own will.

This is another one of those "control" issues, I think. And we need to realize that WE are not in control, God is the ONE in control.


Debra said...

The day I learned to let go of my control and submit out of reverence to God was the day I could let go and breathe.

I felt such a release and freedom as I heard the Lord speak to me "love always yields".

May the Lord bless you as you have spoken this beautiful truth!!

Jill said...

That was so well said!

I just spent time reading many of your posts and was blessed to see such honesty, transparency all covered in His grace and love!

You are blessing many by sharing all that you are!

I pray you will pick up the award I left on my blog today!

Thanks again for sharing His love and sowings seeds of love for all to read here!

In His amazing grace,

Hopeful Spirit said...

You have a lovely blog and write very well, but I am absolutely at a loss for words after reading your post.

Blessings to you,


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